I always have, I was young and dumb, neither of us were as mature as today. I’ve never been more serious about us then I am now. I honestly love everything about you. Hair, Teeth, eyes, lips, belly button, laugh, that face you make when you flip me off, how your eyes roll, how you slap my chest when i say something slick, your toes, how you dress, how you sing quietly to the songs you like in the car, when you say "you fucker", how accepting you are to me. I think the thing i love about you the absolute most is that even through your life has been chaotic, and at times up and down, you manage to brighten everyone’s day just with your presence. just with your smile.
Devin Taylor Held

when you think of someone special, you think of someone who loves you, cares for you, & makes you smile/laugh. all of those are characteristics of someone that is special. to me, there’s more. that special someone, usually stays up all night, and if you ever wake up in need of them, they’re right there. they call you in the middle of the night just to leave a voicemail because they know you miss their voice. they see you in sweats & a sweatshirt with no make up on and your hair up but still call you beautiful. they’re the one person you can lean on for anything and they’ll do the best they can. no, my special someone isn’t always around 24/7, but if I need him, he’s only a phone call away. he tells you constantly what he loves about you & that he couldn’t see his life any different. he’s the one you did fall in love with in 9th grade but was too shy to say anything because you didn’t believe that you could be in love at 14. he’s the one who put up with your ass & bitchiness all throughout high school, but you also put up with his. he’s the one you’ve known since 6th grade but have been off & on since freshman year. when he looks you in the eyes, you know the connection is real because they give you a look only the person you love could give. he’s the one you sat up with, texting at night telling each other all your hopes & dreams about one day, actually getting married to each other. he’s the one who comforts me when I need someone, my best friend. I may sound crazy, but now I know, back in high school, at 14, I was in love and I have never turned back; that was 6 years ago. I still couldnt ask for a better love, best friend or rock.

Accomplishments

I had gotten my gtube placed, two weeks ago, yesterday. They first put a button in, instead of the typical tubing and eventually found a problem out. I had grown a stress ulcer. The thing about a stress ulcer on your stomach is, it’s not fun. The only thing that can help it over time is pain meds. I was prescribed pain meds and took them for the ulcer because I thought it was still healing. On Tuesday of last week, I woke up & saw a rash around the cite with a type of puss in it. Later went to the doctor and had gotten antibiotics, took them for two days… didn’t work. Then I started to get worried. It was either Cellulitis or it was something else. My doctor had never seen that before. I went back on Thursday and (like I said) didn’t get better. They admitted me to W1101. Children’s. The surgeon team came up to see me while I was first being admitted and decided it was a stress ulcer from the button being tight. Meanwhile, I’m really surprised at how I was able to maintain calm; almost like nothing was happening. it’s normal for me now. Normal as in, something usually goes wrong and I guess you could say, my stay on W11. The only thing I remember saying to my sister was “I’m so sick and damn tired of being at this place” and then breaking down. I don’t see myself as a sick kid, but now, for the first time, I was. While I waited for Friday to come around, non stop GI and surgeons came in to talk to me. They said to plan on surgery about 1-3 pm because I was getting that baby out, and starting with a regular tube. Around 2:30 a pulmonologist came in to see me. I thought nothing of it because I was supposed to have a pulmonary apt that day. The doctor told me that I was being admitted. aka a picc line & a ten day stay. I immediately broke down crying and could only think “enoughs enough. This is my second surgery in a week & a half, and now I have to get a picc & stay longer then I need to”. I called my dad sobbing on the phone and explained to him that I didn’t get why they were admitting me because my doctors never had a legit reason. BUT like usual, I sucked it up & got my picc & headed into surgery next. My aunt came up with my sister. both in a tizzy because they didn’t understand either, why I was being admitted. They met me at day surgery, gave me a kiss on my forehead and said that they loved me & they’ll see me after surgery. After I had gotten out of surgery, I was back up in my room, eyes rolling & finally saw my parents. I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours at that point & I was starving. i was finally able to eat and spent about a total of 6 days there. I begged my doctors to send me home on home ivs for the fact I wanted to go back to school but then chose not to. I’m home now, but attached to them 24/7. it’s like carrying around a baby, it gets old. Anyways, with having two “tubes” in my body, it’s hard. I never expected it to be this hard, and I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I see myself crying a lot more because I shouldn’t be a 19 year old with a tube hanging out of my body because I cannot gain the weight i need. It’s to the point where I’m mentally drained and counting down the days til I’m at least of iv antibiotics (8 days).

night

it’s one of those nights again. my depression and anxiety get the best of me. I’ve tried to wing myself off of my meds but then I have a relapse. I WANT to live without these meds because I want to know I am strong enough to overcome just something in my life. CF has finally kicked my ass again. I’m tired…. actually exhausted. exhausted enough to where I could probably stay in my bed for a week, not do anything but be fine with it in the end. BUT I know tomorrow I’ll get up & face reality like tonight never happened. like I wasn’t crying, sitting in my bed, wishing my best friend was holding me, but instead I’m holding onto my baby blanket because it’s the best thing I have right now. I’ve realized tonight that I was never ready for my gtube. I thought that if I jumped into it, and got it, then I’d be perfectly fine with it like any other thing I’ve had to do… nope. I still feel self conscious with it & it sucks. I don’t like doing feedings but I know that if I do them more, I’ll be able to do bolus feedings and that’ll be better in the long run. I can’t even being to explain the weight that I’ve had on my shoulders or the years in my eyes that I kept in because I know I had to be strong for getting my gtube. I’m just tired… exhausted. I just cannot wait until I get better cause being in the dark, it’s not fun anymore.