I had gotten my gtube placed, two weeks ago, yesterday. They first put a button in, instead of the typical tubing and eventually found a problem out. I had grown a stress ulcer. The thing about a stress ulcer on your stomach is, it’s not fun. The only thing that can help it over time is pain meds. I was prescribed pain meds and took them for the ulcer because I thought it was still healing. On Tuesday of last week, I woke up & saw a rash around the cite with a type of puss in it. Later went to the doctor and had gotten antibiotics, took them for two days… didn’t work. Then I started to get worried. It was either Cellulitis or it was something else. My doctor had never seen that before. I went back on Thursday and (like I said) didn’t get better. They admitted me to W1101. Children’s. The surgeon team came up to see me while I was first being admitted and decided it was a stress ulcer from the button being tight. Meanwhile, I’m really surprised at how I was able to maintain calm; almost like nothing was happening. it’s normal for me now. Normal as in, something usually goes wrong and I guess you could say, my stay on W11. The only thing I remember saying to my sister was “I’m so sick and damn tired of being at this place” and then breaking down. I don’t see myself as a sick kid, but now, for the first time, I was. While I waited for Friday to come around, non stop GI and surgeons came in to talk to me. They said to plan on surgery about 1-3 pm because I was getting that baby out, and starting with a regular tube. Around 2:30 a pulmonologist came in to see me. I thought nothing of it because I was supposed to have a pulmonary apt that day. The doctor told me that I was being admitted. aka a picc line & a ten day stay. I immediately broke down crying and could only think “enoughs enough. This is my second surgery in a week & a half, and now I have to get a picc & stay longer then I need to”. I called my dad sobbing on the phone and explained to him that I didn’t get why they were admitting me because my doctors never had a legit reason. BUT like usual, I sucked it up & got my picc & headed into surgery next. My aunt came up with my sister. both in a tizzy because they didn’t understand either, why I was being admitted. They met me at day surgery, gave me a kiss on my forehead and said that they loved me & they’ll see me after surgery. After I had gotten out of surgery, I was back up in my room, eyes rolling & finally saw my parents. I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours at that point & I was starving. i was finally able to eat and spent about a total of 6 days there. I begged my doctors to send me home on home ivs for the fact I wanted to go back to school but then chose not to. I’m home now, but attached to them 24/7. it’s like carrying around a baby, it gets old. Anyways, with having two “tubes” in my body, it’s hard. I never expected it to be this hard, and I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I see myself crying a lot more because I shouldn’t be a 19 year old with a tube hanging out of my body because I cannot gain the weight i need. It’s to the point where I’m mentally drained and counting down the days til I’m at least of iv antibiotics (8 days).


it’s one of those nights again. my depression and anxiety get the best of me. I’ve tried to wing myself off of my meds but then I have a relapse. I WANT to live without these meds because I want to know I am strong enough to overcome just something in my life. CF has finally kicked my ass again. I’m tired…. actually exhausted. exhausted enough to where I could probably stay in my bed for a week, not do anything but be fine with it in the end. BUT I know tomorrow I’ll get up & face reality like tonight never happened. like I wasn’t crying, sitting in my bed, wishing my best friend was holding me, but instead I’m holding onto my baby blanket because it’s the best thing I have right now. I’ve realized tonight that I was never ready for my gtube. I thought that if I jumped into it, and got it, then I’d be perfectly fine with it like any other thing I’ve had to do… nope. I still feel self conscious with it & it sucks. I don’t like doing feedings but I know that if I do them more, I’ll be able to do bolus feedings and that’ll be better in the long run. I can’t even being to explain the weight that I’ve had on my shoulders or the years in my eyes that I kept in because I know I had to be strong for getting my gtube. I’m just tired… exhausted. I just cannot wait until I get better cause being in the dark, it’s not fun anymore.

Growing up I thought being in love was red roses, dates on Saturday nights, pretty jewelry, Friday night movie premiers, kisses in the rain, and boxes that held expensive things. I thought true love was a story with a picture perfect ending. Now that I’m older I’ve realized it’s not that at all. True love isn’t something you find in a Disney movie. Being in love is screaming at 5 AM till you cry out of anger, but knowing they won’t leave. It’s saving each other’s selfies, good or bad, just to look at them because you miss each other. It’s being comfortable enough to talk about anything. It’s saying all the wrong things at the wrong moments. It’s leaving someone in complete control of your heart, but trusting them not to break you. It’s screaming the lyrics to your favorite songs together. It’s honesty even when it hurts and sarcasm when they’re sad. It’s lame jokes and sleepless nights. It’s fights and make up sex. It’s hour long showers and breakfast in the morning. It’s all night phone calls instead of texting. It’s the small things. It’s coffee shop dates and finding new books to read. It’s holding hands and kissing ever so passionately. It’s being able to sit at home just basking in the presence of someone you love with every fiber of your being. It’s wanting to share every moment with that one person. It’s finding yourself awake at 3 AM craving them asleep next to you. It’s little nick names and making fun of each other. It’s being called things like ‘little shit’ or ‘baby’ or ‘love of my life.’ It’s being able to fall asleep knowing that person will still be there in the morning. It’s being apart and knowing nothing will change. It’s deep talks at 6 AM. It’s days full of laughter and tears. It’s capturing the world’s beauty though their eyes. It’s not about the sex or the gifts, it’s about finding someone who pours their love into your deepest cracks making you whole once again. It’s feeling part of you missing when you’re apart. It’s finally being able to love yourself even half as much as that person loves you. Love is the only thing left in the world worth fighting for. Don’t you dare settle for a boy who makes you feel good for a night, or a girl who boosts your ego at a party. Mindfucking love is the holy grail of all love. Being in love will fuck you up in more ways than you can imagine and it’s absolutely fucking heart-wrenching, but at the same time it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.
3AM Thoughts" series #4 (via unpoeticheartbreak)



something funny. I hate heights but I’d love to go sky diving. I hate the thought of being broken, but I still gave my boyfriend another chance. I hate the thought of being different but I have cf. I hate the fact of not wanting to look or seem different, but I’m getting a gtube. life is funny when you look at it that way. I’m a shy/reserved person, when I’m around people I do not know, but I love taking risks. I’m not much of an adrenalin junky, but I love not sitting there & saying, “man I wish I did that” OR “it’s too late in my life to do that now” getting this gtube is like taking a risk, but the only thing is, is I’m taking a risk at getting better & a risk that I maybe different, but hey, at least I’ll be okay & healthy. those who mind, don’t matter & those who matter, don’t mind.